“Growing up, many young women were advised to marry a man much older than themselves because he would supposedly be more mature and patient in handling relationship matters…However, I realise that age and maturity do not always walk hand-in-hand.”
In my reserved opinion, any man or woman who has had a previous marriage needs a period of retrospection and introspection before going into another. No separation or divorce happens without leaving some scars.
I believe firmly that there should be a period of healing before attempting marriage again. But people go into another marriage immediately for various reasons: procreation, sex, companionship, social pressure, or simply the fear of being alone.
However, going into a second, or even third, marriage does not guarantee success, especially if some fundamental issues are not addressed. There are repeated patterns of behaviour that cannot be subdued, if they are not properly confronted.
What has age got to do with remarriage?
Being remarried does not cure behavioural flaws. When couples separate or divorce, the one who rushes ahead to remarry almost immediately, or within a few years, is not necessarily the happier or more fulfilled person.
One of the greatest mistakes people make is assuming that a change of partner automatically translates into a change of character. Human beings often carry unresolved issues from one relationship into another.
Anger, infidelity, emotional abuse, dishonesty, poor communication and lack of accountability do not disappear simply because wedding vows have been exchanged again. If anything, those issues may become more pronounced over time if they are not addressed.
Let me illustrate a case in point, based on facts available to me, via social media.
Tell me what in the name of drama Yoruba actor, Akin Olaiya was playing by coming out with that letter claiming to dissolve the marriage between him and his wife, Nafisat. With the age difference and experience between them, one would think Akin should know better. His allegation was that Nafisat left his home and had not returned despite all his efforts. So, according to him, the best option was to publicly announce a dissolution on his part.
Is this how an Islamic marriage is dissolved? I leave that to scholars and teachers of Islamic law.
In a swift response, Nafisat came out to tell her own side of the story. One can never judge a book by its cover, but what I saw was a young, introverted lady trying to be brave in that video. The core reason she claimed for leaving her matrimonial home was that Akin was allegedly involved in a relationship with her best friend.
According to her, no woman, who is in full control of her sanity, suddenly leaves her matrimonial home without a cogent reason. Whether one agrees with her or not, her response reminds us that there are usually two sides to every marital dispute. It is often dangerous to arrive at conclusions after hearing only one version of events.
Now, back to my opening premise. Akin is reportedly in his second or third marriage. When he married Nafisat and his former wife came out with allegations, she was accused by many of being petty, jealous and unable to move on. Looking back now, one begins to wonder whether there were warning signs that people simply ignored.
This situation looks very much like the proverbial “pasan” used to beat the senior wife and then kept on the raft for the junior wife. Life has a way of bringing old lessons back to our attention.
When we were growing up, many young women were advised to marry a man much older than themselves because he would supposedly be more mature and patient in handling relationship matters. As I grow older, however, I realise that this is often a mere assumption. Age and maturity do not always walk hand-in-hand.
Our behaviours follow us into adulthood, with only slight variations and adjustments. If you marry a man who is immature in mind, habitually cheats, or repeatedly assaults women, marriage rarely changes such tendencies. In many cases, it only provides a bigger stage upon which those behaviours are displayed.
Under the law, dissolving any marriage on social media amounts to nothing. It is a little more than drama, playing to the gallery and seeking public attention. Serious matters deserve serious procedures and proper channels.
Akin should be advised, if he does not know any better. And for everyone else, perhaps the lesson is that before we seek another partner, we should first examine ourselves.
Healing, growth and accountability remain indispensable ingredients for any successful relationship, whether it is a first marriage or a fourth.
