“I find myself wondering: how big a deal is marriage really? If marriage is truly no big deal, why do we make such a big deal of weddings?”
Marriage.
These days, you would think we are all trying to talk ourselves out of it.
How Big A Deal Is Marriage?
Listen to conversations around relationships and marriage and you will hear enough horror stories to make anyone pause…
Marriage is hard, stressful, overrated. Marriage is not for everyone. Never lose yourself in marriage. Make your money. Protect your peace.
And, increasingly, there is the loud declaration that marriage is not even such a big deal.
Yet, somehow, we keep getting married.
As the year begins its final quarter, I have noticed a sequence…
Wedding invitations begin to arrive with greater frequency. Saturdays become wedding Saturdays. There is almost an urgency in the air, as though people are trying to get married before the year makes its final turn.
And I find myself wondering: how big a deal is marriage really?
If marriage is truly no big deal, why do we make such a big deal of weddings?
Why do parents spend so much money sending their children into marriage?
Why do families travel from near and far?
Why do we dress up, decorate halls, print programmes, hire photographers, feed hundreds of people and celebrate until our feet hurt?
Why do parents become emotional when their children walk down the aisle?
Why do we celebrate wedding anniversaries?
Why do couples renew their vows after 10, 20, 30 or even 50 years?
Why do we still congratulate people when they tell us they are getting married?
And, perhaps, the most interesting question: why do we celebrate our children’s marriages when we have spent so much time telling them how difficult marriage is?
There is a paradox here.
We know marriage can be difficult.
We know people can change.
We know love alone does not solve every problem.
We know two people can enter marriage with the best intentions and still discover that living together, building together, forgiving, compromising and growing together is a completely different ball game.
We know all of this.
Yet, we still celebrate marriage.
Perhaps, because, beneath all the cynicism, we still believe marriage means something.
Perhaps, we understand that while marriage is not a guarantee of happiness, it can be an extraordinary opportunity for companionship, friendship, family, growth and shared purpose.
Perhaps, that is why parents still spend their hard-earned money on weddings. They are not necessarily paying for the decorations, the food or the elaborate ceremony. They are celebrating hope…
Hope that their child(ren) has found someone with whom life can be shared.
Hope that this particular union will be different.
Hope that two people will build something worth preserving.
Hope that when life becomes difficult, they will remember why they chose each other in the first place.
And maybe that explains why anniversaries matter too.
When a couple celebrates 25 years together, they are not necessarily celebrating 25 perfect years.
They are celebrating the fact that despite the quarrels, disappointments, difficult seasons, financial pressures, family issues, changes and everything else life threw at them, they are still here.
Still together.
Still choosing, in one form or another, the life they began building.
There is something profound about that.
Of course, marriage should not be romanticised.
Some marriages are unhealthy.
Some should end.
Some people should never have married each other in the first place.
And no one should feel compelled to remain in a harmful union simply because society places marriage on a pedestal.
But, perhaps, we have also swung too far in the other direction.
In our eagerness to expose the realities of marriage, we sometimes forget to acknowledge its beauty.
We laugh at the institution, criticise it, warn people about it and occasionally make marriage sound like a life sentence.
And yet, when our son finds a woman he loves, or our daughter finds a man she wants to build a life with, something in us still rises.
We celebrate, pray, spend, dance and cry.
We take pictures.
And we say, Congratulations!
So, perhaps, marriage is still a big deal after all.
Not because the wedding day is perfect or that the marriage will be without challenges.
But because choosing to build a life with another human being remains one of the biggest commitments a person can make.
Maybe that is why, despite everything we say about marriage, we keep walking towards it.
And as another year races towards its end, the weddings will continue.
The invitations will arrive along with the aso-ebi or the preferred colours of gele and fila.
The music will play.
Two people will stand before their families and friends and make promises about a future neither of them can fully see.
And everyone will cheer.
Because somewhere beneath all our scepticism, we still believe love is worth celebrating.
