“What do you do when you are ghosted? My first advice is to stop chasing. Once you have made reasonable attempts to establish contact, leave it alone.”
Ghosting is the digital equivalent of stonewalling or giving the silent treatment. It is the abrupt withdrawal of communication, leaving someone to disappear from your life without warning, explanation or even a final goodbye.
I write from personal experience, hoping to help people navigate this unpleasant experience, which can leave the recipient confused, vulnerable and struggling to find closure.
A few years ago, I met someone in this space. He was intelligent, articulate and a good conversationalist. We connected on several levels, and I genuinely looked forward to our conversations. In fact, the highlight of my day was catching up on how our individual days had gone.
We became closer and graduated from exchanging messages to having telephone conversations. It got even more interesting. We talked about music, writing and almost every subject under the sun.
Then, suddenly, there was a lull.
Initially, I didn’t think much of it. I assumed our busy schedules were responsible.
But gradually, the silence became deafening. I sent messages and made calls, but there was no response. My first concern was whether he was okay.
I needn’t have worried. He was online and actively engaging with other people.
As a woman, I didn’t want to appear desperate, but I was equally baffled by the sudden withdrawal. On another occasion, he answered my call, said hello but made no effort to engage in a conversation. He even kept me on hold while attending to other people.
That was when I got the message. Something had shifted. This person clearly no longer wanted whatever connection we had established.
After that, I was completely ignored.
That is a typical example of ghosting. It is a form of passive avoidance in which someone ends or withdraws from a connection without communicating their intentions.
It can cause considerable emotional distress because the recipient is often blindsided, left questioning what happened and wondering whether they did something wrong.
There are different ways people ghost others:
Cold Turkey: Communication stops abruptly. Calls go unanswered, messages are ignored or left unread, and the person seemingly disappears overnight.
Soft Ghosting or Slow Fading: The withdrawal is gradual. Replies become increasingly delayed, conversations become monosyllabic, and eventually, the person stops making any effort to sustain the connection.
Unfriending or Blocking: This is more common in the wider social media space, where someone removes you from their friends list or blocks you altogether.
What do you do when you are ghosted?
My first advice is to stop chasing. Once you have made reasonable attempts to establish contact, leave it alone.
Repeatedly reaching out to someone who is deliberately ignoring you will only leave you feeling worse.
Secondly, honestly appraise the situation and accept that the person may have lost interest and chosen to move on.
It may be unpleasant, but acceptance is the first step towards emotional recovery.
Declutter your mind and return to your default settings before you met this person.
Reclaim your time, attention and emotional energy. It may take a while, but you will get there.
Don’t be too hard on yourself either. You are human, capable of misjudgements and mistakes.
Whatever your contribution to the situation may have been, forgive yourself and move on.
In my own experience, after some months, this person resurfaced to apologise. He said he had been dealing with some personal challenges and didn’t want distractions.
I listened carefully, accepted his explanation and apology, but I also knew there was nothing more to pursue in that direction. We parted amicably.
Sometimes, however, there is no apology, explanation or closure. And you don’t have to wait indefinitely for one.
Accept the situation philosophically and move on.
I have always believed that nobody is too busy to connect with people they genuinely want in their lives.
Circumstances may interfere, but communication and consideration should not become casualties. Once the energy has gone cold, there is little point blowing on the ashes.
Interestingly, when I met the man I eventually married, one of the things I made clear was that I had no appetite for passive aggression.
If we had differences, we should talk them through, rather than resort to silence or emotional withdrawal. And that became our approach.
A healthy connection should offer emotional safety, not leave you perpetually guessing where you stand.
Here is my conclusion: Don’t chase someone who isn’t chasing you. You may end up making yourself a nuisance in someone’s life simply because you are unwilling to accept that they have left.
There is no shame in admitting that you have been ghosted. The real tragedy is surrendering the reins of your emotional well-being to someone who is no longer bothered about holding on.
