NO is an expensive word. But it is one of the skills life will teach you. It is, however, up to you to learn to use it.
NO, an expensive word we must learn to use
The world is full of entitled people.
But it is worse when you find this attitude among members of your own family.
Yet, truth be told, family entitlement is not peculiar to any one part of the world. It exists everywhere.
Shortly after the death of Toluwanisings, real name, Olayomi Bayonile Bolaji, a can of worms has been opened regarding the young man’s deepest struggles with his own blood relations.
While we listened to soul-lifting music that encouraged us, and while that gift earned him popularity, a decent income and a comfortable lifestyle, little did we know that each time the minstrel mounted the stage, he might have been carrying the weight of another burden: the seemingly bottomless pit of demands from family and the pressure to satisfy them.
Almost every member seemed to think Toluwanisings owed them one thing or another simply because of family ties or because they had, at some point, contributed to his life.
They wanted their pound of flesh, and, perhaps, considerably more.
This entitlement mentality is not new.
Families often latch onto the one person who manages to escape poverty or difficult circumstances and expect that individual to bear the burden of everyone else.
And when that person eventually admits that the burden has become too much, what follows?
Emotional blackmail, threats, guilt-tripping or even outright hostility.
Literally, the experience resembles a parasitic relationship between a host and a parasite.
The parasite attaches itself to the host and sucks out the life-giving nutrients for its own benefit, while the host gradually becomes depleted, sometimes to the point of complete collapse.
But why do victims of emotional blackmail recognise what is happening and yet find it difficult to walk away from such toxic entanglements?
One major reason is the emotional investment that comes with family.
These are people with whom we share history, memories, childhood experiences and, sometimes, our deepest vulnerabilities.
There is the fear of being labelled ungrateful, wicked, proud or selfish.
There is also the cultural and religious conditioning that teaches us that family must always come first; that we must honour our parents; support our siblings and never turn our backs on our own.
Unfortunately, some people have learnt to weaponise these values.
They mistake kindness for obligation, generosity for entitlement and family loyalty for an unlimited access pass to another person’s resources.
Another reason is the fear of losing the family one has spent a lifetime trying to please.
Some people would rather endure an unreasonable demand than face the hostility that comes with refusing it…
They would rather impoverish themselves than be accused of abandoning their own.
But here is the uncomfortable truth: you cannot keep setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
There is a difference between helping a family and becoming the family’s permanent financial institution.
There is a difference between supporting loved ones and being held hostage by their expectations.
Generosity should be an expression of love, not a compulsory levy imposed on the person who happens to be doing better.
And this is where the word, NO, becomes important.
NO does not mean you do not love your family.
NO does not erase the sacrifices others may have made for you.
It simply means you recognise that you, too, have needs, responsibilities, aspirations and limitations.
You are entitled to build a life that is not perpetually dictated by other people’s demands.
Of course, learning to say NO comes at a cost.
Some people will misunderstand you.
Others will withdraw their affection, spread tales of your ingratitude or remind you of every good thing they have ever done for you.
Let them. You cannot purchase peace by surrendering your entire existence to the demands of others.
We must also learn that helping people should come from a place of willingness and within our capacity.
It should not be an obligation that destroys the very person expected to provide the help.
Perhaps, the greatest lesson here is that success should not become a life sentence.
The person who makes it out of difficult circumstances deserves to enjoy the fruits of their labour, pursue their dreams and live without the constant anxiety of who will come knocking next.
Family is supposed to be a support system, not a feeding ground.
And if the price of belonging to a family is the gradual loss of your peace, dignity and well-being, perhaps it is time to rethink what family loyalty really means.
Learn to say NO.
It may be an expensive word, but sometimes it is the price of preserving your life.
